Ask Sargeras! In which impractical solutions are proposed.

This week's mailbag is like that part in The Two Towers where Merry and Pippin enlist the help of the Ents in their fight against Saruman: there are some little ones and some great big ones, but they're all being watched by an evil and magical entity whose first three letters are "Sar."

Look, I'm not that good at analogies. What I'm trying to say is that we have three really long e-mails and three really short e-mails, and I'm trying to find some way to make that seem funny, and...

Can we just do this?


Great Ravager of Worlds, I beseech thee, please answer my questions.

1. Why hasn't the Pantheon cracked down on you yet? I mean sure, you were the strongest among them, but why hasn't your bro Aman'Thul tried to smack some sense into you? Or has he?

2. If you were present at the time, can you describe how the Kil'jaeden boss fight in Sunwell Plateau looked like from your end of the portal?

3. What kind of benefits package does the average demon get in the Burning Legion?

4. What's with all you demons/fallen titans/corrupted heroes growing to immense proportions while destroying stuff? Seems like a waste of energy to me. Is it for the terror factor?

5. Any openings for a human warrior looking to do some smiting on some traitorous ex-guildies? (Traitors that left the guild, not people in the guild).

Thank you in advance, my liege.

Taium, Dalvengyr-US

P.S. If you have no openings, could I perhaps borrow that sweet sword of yours for an hour. Should be plenty of time.

Six questions in one?! Just what are we trying to pull here? Would it really be fair to all the other patient readers who e-mailed me if I answer all six of your questions when they only get one?

Do I seem like an unfair person to you?

Oh. Right.

Well, let's see if I can answer all six of your questions at once, in order, one line at a time, using the magic of poetry:

The Pantheon's a bunch of sissy wimps,
He should've swatted that blue buzzing fly,
Free dental and a pair of curvy nymphs,
I'd guess that Shock and Awe's the reason why;
Although I'm all in favor of some smitin',
You'll never wield the weapon of a titan.

Bam! Still got it!


Hey there, Big Old Dude...

(I'm a warlock, I can get away with sass. It's in the contract.)

In all the movies where a planet is being destroyed by some force, either internal, external or... well, I guess those would be the only two ways, huh? ... every destruction is different in some way. Some look more believable than others. I personally like the ones where the planet explodes outwards in every direction, as opposed to the ones where they seem to explode outwards like the rings on Saturn. Makes no sense unless someone planted shaped charges into the core... which would be hard to do for SOME people (bet you could though, but getting TO the core may just destroy the planet anyway, so why bother, huh? Unless it's for the challenge...) so why is it exploding in that manner?

Or as with the newest Star Trek movie, planting a black hole into the center of a planet makes it melt inwards from the insertion point (what?) as opposed to the entire planet equally melting inwards around the black hole, which unless my understanding of black holes is completely wrong, doesn't have a pull from one individual direction, but from all directions equally. Shouldn't it have imploded? The areas nearest to the black hole going first, in all directions, and expanding outwards?

So I guess my question is... what really happens when a planet is destroyed by some internal or external force? And is there a difference in how it looks, depending on what exactly is destroying it?

And... screenshot or it didn't happen.

Love and (air) kisses,

Kikidas from Alleria

BTW: Ruptik the Imp wants to know when he's allowed back in after that whole shaving cream and strawberries incident?

I've previously mentioned this article, which clears up all that troublesome business about black holes in planetary cores rather nicely. To your larger question, though, the dynamics of planetary destruction are exquisitely complex. I've been doing this job for more than 30 gajillion years now, and even I have yet to fully master their subtleties.

I don't have time to explain it all, but I will say this. Planetary explosions all look pretty much the same, but they don't all have to sound the same.

Try blowing up a world with the Benny Hill theme playing in the background sometime. Trust me. It really does make just about everything better.


To his most illustrious Grand High Destructomath, Wearer of the Beard of a Thousand Flames, Sovereign of the Endless Void.

I am a Dreadlord working in your legion's middle-management group, and I have a question for you that I do hope will not be too impertinent.

To whit: What in the name of You is up with the Eredar? I don't mean to be questioning your Dark Magnificence, but seriously, why did you ever promote those poncy bastards over your loyal Nathrezim? They're all supertastically magical, I get that. But they were *also* all mortals once, and as such they're bound to be screw ups. Since you've been away, we've been doing our best to keep your Legions in fighting shape and ready for your return. We've even found the time to get some real quality corrupting done on Azeroth. But while we've been working our tails off, your Eredar rank and file are all too busy posturing, hitting on the succubi, and snorting lines of mana to pay any attention to the cause.

Then there's your Grand High Poobahs, Archimonde and Kil'jaedan. They may be something on the order of 100 feet tall, but that's *tiny* compared to the issues they drag around. Like Archimonde. He might be dead now, thank evil, but I assure you that when he was still alive he was making a royal mess of things. He'd always go missing from staff meetings and we'd get sent out looking for him. We'd search for days and then invariably find him passed out in a nebula somewhere coming down off a 3 week magic bender. When he finally got himself summoned to Azeroth, he went RIGHT for the Well of Eternity and tried to eat the World Tree. Instead, he got blown up by wisps. Don't get me wrong, watching him explode was one of the finest moments in my long existence. But, by wisps? I ask you. At least Mal'Ganis had the integrity to be defeated (not killed, please note!) by the power of an extremely potent artifact weapon, like a proper demon.

And Kil'jaeden, man, he's a whole different piece of work. When he's not busy getting stuck halfway through portals and beaten on by adventuring parties, he's wasting the time he SHOULD be using to subvert new races into your fold by tarting himself up in drag and attending "Eredar Pride" meetings. That he makes us accompany him to in the name of "Multi-Dimensional Cultural Sensitivity Training." And at which he inevitably gets wasted, and then starts crying about some love-triangle mess he had with Archimonde and Velen back on Argus. Let me tell you, after about ten minutes of that I'm contemplating ripping off my own horns and stabbing them directly into my brain. But that's nothing compared to the end of the night, when we have to drag his soppy carcass back home while listening to him recite moody goth poetry about having his heart broken by Illidan "Too Emo For His Shirt" Stormrage.

Sorry, needed a moment to compose myself.

So, yes, the Eredar are a bunch of colossal sized screwups. On the other hand, we Nathrezim have, like yourself, always been immortals. We don't have all those pesky lusts and physical desires getting in the way of carrying out your will and destroying all life.

So why, why, why do we have to put up with them? They are, to use mortal terms, the Robin to our Batman. If Robin was slutty heroin addict, and Batman had literal (and very stylish) wings.

With all due trembling and awe,
Mefaustias, perplexed Dreadlord, Shadow Council (US)

All right. I want you to do something for me. I want you to take a breath.

Now how do we feel?

Good.

Take two Benadryl, get some rest, and call me in the morning.

P.S. If these "Robins" really upset you so much, take a page from Batman's book and tell them what's up!

Dear Sargeras,
You have been a valuable source of information regarding cooking recipes and interior decorating; but I have been left curious about your fashion tips. What does a titan with hair that is literally flamming metal wear in order to keep scorch marks from ruining his ensemble? Is it custom tailored or do they have a titan-sized Big and Tall in the nether?
-Trend Seeker

Two words: Nomex tuxedo.


Dear Sargeras, Annihilator of All Things Cute and T-Shaped:

What would you do if another one of the Titans split off and followed in your footsteps (possibly even literally). Would you focus on eliminating the competition, or welcome the new face in the world-incinerating field?

Sorry for the short question, I have a cowering appointment in ten minutes.

~Lowly Mortal #43,554,687,789

This is sort of like asking Skynet what it would do if one of the humans started going around killing other humans. I mean really, it's adorable and all, but - as an astute reader once pointed out - "EVERONE means we all get pwnt."

Speaking of which - was I the only one who thought Terminator: Salvation was just, like, a really shitty version of the Matrix trilogy? Kind of the same way Ctrl-Alt-Delete is a poor man's Penny Arcade, only Penny Arcade is free?

But I digress.


O Dark Titan,

I am looking for an extremely durable keyboard (I'm pretty clumsy). After reading your latest post, I had to wonder, what kind of keyboard has the durability to withstand the awesome might and flames of the Supreme Destroyer?

Carflipe, Aerie Peak US

You can't buy truly high-quality durable keyboards in stores, but making your own is easy and fun! Here's what you're going to want to do:

1. Get Captain America's shield and Wolverine's skeleton.
2. Melt them down and stir until thoroughly mixed.
3. Pour the mixture into an ice cube tray and allow 3-8 weeks to cool.
4. Repeat until you have enough keys for a full keyboard.
5. Paint the alphabet and/or syllabary of your choice on them. Why not give hiragana a try?
6. Superglue these keys over top of your regular keyboard.
7. Ta-da! Sargeras keys!

Hope nobody came to this blog today expecting it to be about World of Warcraft. HAHA!

Anyway. Want Sargeras to answer one of your questions too? Send me an e-mail and I'll make it happen!

Peace out.

Haikugeddon

There has been some talk lately that, for a guy who claims to like haiku, I haven't actually posted any yet. I will respond to those claims like I respond to all criticism: with ridiculous excess.

Here we go: 25 haikus that capture the essence of the titan condition!

1.
Evil is like a
soft and gentle summer gust
of nitric acid.

2.
Sure, I've got regrets.
Everybody's got regrets.
But mine are cooler.

3.
They said Eonar
was too hot for me. Yeah, sure.
Who's hot now, bitches?!

4.
What? A planet here?
No, this is just chunks of rock.
Your map must be wrong.

5.
Legion rebellions
are short-lived. Rebel leaders,
sans head, are just short.

6.
Even titan girls
don't like to be called massive,
Eonar opines.

7.
There's a server named
"Sargeras." That's like naming
your daughter "Smallpox."

8.
RE: frEe C1alis
If it were any bigger,
stars would orbit it.

9.
The Burning Legion
has ten thousand demon-lords
and three bathroom stalls.

10.
RING! Hey, Voldemort,
Joel Schumacher's on the phone.
He wants his fail back.

11.
I heat my coffee
by putting it in the sun.
What a bright idea!

12.
Okay, so, what's black
and white and red all over?
Oreos I've licked.

13.
The ecosystem
is like a big house of cards:
you just can't resist.

14.
"Death is part of life."
Fine. So I'm just spreading life.
Quit your bitching, then.

15.
Better to light a
candle and/or continent
than curse the darkness.

16.
Some people are like,
"How can you be so awful?"
Look. It's not easy.

17.
The Twisting Nether:
perfect as a hiding place,
not so good for golf.

18.
To understand me,
walk a mile in my shoes. And
I do mean in them.

19.
I have a pebble
stuck in my left boot. Also,
where'd Gibraltar go?

20.
Smith said to Neo,
"The purpose of life's to end."
Neo was like, "what"

21.
If I had a dime
for each planet I've destroyed,
I'd have lots of dimes.

22.
I am not a crook!
Vaporizing planets is
a misdemeanor.

23.
I AM DARK TITAN!!
I AM DESRTOY EVERTHING!!1!
!!one!!!one!!one!oneone

24.
I hear people say,
"Less QQ and more pew pew."
Are church seats that great?

25.
Having fiery hair:
efficient barbecuing,
awkward second dates.

26.
A wise man once said,
"Peace is the best victory."
He was delicious.

OH! That's right, I said I would post 25 haikus and I posted 26! Because that's just how I roll.

For bonus points, post your comments as haikus too.

LOBSMAARP: 22%

Weekend poetry

I think this poem is very beautiful, in an odd sort of way, and perfect for a blog like mine.

The Second Coming
William Butler Yeats

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

Patch 3.1 Sonnet

One of the great things about life in the Twisting Nether is that it leaves an awful lot of time for writing poetry.

Patch 3.1 Sonnet

Yea, Blizzard hath released point one and three
And many changes doth this poet find:
Thy mount can swim without dismounting thee;
And thou canst play, though thou art color-blind.
In Wintergrasp, now fishing is allow'd
And First Aid's learnt from men as well as print
The Argent Tournament will draw a crowd
And mana is more slow from heaven sent.
The noble Noblegarden lasts a week
The Stoneform Dwarf from poison doth feel pain
The camping man need no more tinder seek
Where once the spec was one, it now is twain.
And if you seek adventuring afar
Ye seek the lair of Yogg in Ulduar!

The spelling lesson...of EVIL

As an evil overlord, I am narcissistic by nature, which means (among other things) that I would like my underlings to spell my name correctly.

How well is that happening?

Let's break it down.

Google Searches For My Name, Arranged By Frequency
Sargeras - 832
Sargaras - 26
Sageras - 14
Sargares - 8
Sargereas - 6
Segeras - 5
Seargeras - 4
Sargears - 4
Saergerus - 3
Saregerus - 3
Saregeras - 3
Sargeas - 2
Sergeras - 2
Sagreras - 1
Sargaeres - 1
Sargearas - 1
Sargeris - 1

If my math is correct (and it should be, owing to my staggering awesomeness) that's 90.83% of y'all who got my name right on the first try. For the Internet, that's pretty good - I'm impressed! But for the other 9.17%, here's a little rhyme to help you remember.

S is for the sound of smashing, soothing and sublime
A is for the ancient ages, aeons lost in time
R is for relentless rage, the ruler's only rule
G is for galactic games the giant thinks are cool
E is for the endless effort of entropic ebb
R is for the razing of Anub'arak's cold web
A is for apocalypse, and aeons pass again...
Second S for Sargeras, the snarling sire of sin!

I trust we'll get it right in the future?

I hold with those who favor fire

Score a poetic victory for the Burning Crusade:

Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Too bad it's only perishing once. In your face, Lich King!

Heh...and this is coming from a guy named "Frost!"

Sentience Cessation Sonnet

Perhaps it will be Tuesday, and the sun
Will just have peeked above the Starbuck's roof
You'll glance up, munching on a Cinnabon;
You'll note a momentary breeze - and poof -
Ten thousand thousand thousand demon-lords
Machete-clawed, unclean in wing and face
Will overrun your city with their hordes
Emerging from the hole they've rent in space.
"The end of times!" Wolf Blitzer will intone.
"No we cannot!" Obama will proclaim.
And as I rise from my unholy throne
The trembling thunderclouds will spell my name.
Relax! Inhale deep. (Just be aware
You'll be inhaling fire instead of air.)

:-)